All modern fairytales end the same way: the beautiful princess gets to marry the rich and handsome knight in shiny armor who stumbled on her rescue on his brilliantly sparkling white horse. They live happily ever after. Or at least this is exactly what they want to make us believe in both Disney movies and romantic comedies alike. But can it be really true? Have you ever wondered why these happy love stories always end with the struggling lovers reuniting, but never portrait the remaining years of their relationship life together?
Well, maybe that’s because we’d learn this prince is not making the princess happy anymore once the very first couple of months of their romantic infatuation have passed. Yet, all of us believe this romantic fairytale to some extend, and millions of women worldwide are waiting day after day due to their knight in shiny armor in the future and rescue them from their aloneness: “Only if Mr Primary Care Katy. Right came along, my life time could be so much better.” Or “Once I get married, all my problems will be solved.” You might laugh as of this, but the simple truth is that consciously or unconsciously, many women (and men!) out you will find secretly longing for somebody or intimate relationship to somehow save them.
It is merely how we are wired. You could also call it conditioning. Young girls are being spoon-fed with this fairytale from their mothers and mass media on an everyday basis. Teenagers are told to be that handsome hero who’ll save that girl and always make her happy. It puts the pressure on, doesn’t it? And it is all the more devastating as we experience reality and note that what we’ve been taught to think is a lie. Why? Since there is no-one else available that could make us happy for the rest of our lives. Believing this means not being prepared to realize that people are capable adults who are 100% accountable for their very own happiness. It indicates that people still cling on to the thought of a mommy or daddy who takes care of us and then we project that fantasy on our intimate partners.
I have already been lost in this trap for quite some time myself. I too have already been raised by a family group who conditioned me to think that I would need to look for a good man who’d look after me and who may make me really happy. It was not until a long time later, when I met the deep and wise tantra teacher Alex Vartman, that I realized I was doing romantic dreaming and that there really is another way. I’m very grateful to him and his constant efforts of shattering people’s romantic dreams. Why? Since it prevents us from really seeing the other person for who they are really and going really deep using them in a conscious relationship.
When we feel that another person can give us something that people do not have, we disempower ourselves by putting them on a pedestal. We project an unrealistic image unto them that’s quite difficult to meet, and let them have shit for not matching that image using their real-life personalities. On top of that, we loose ourselves inside them, meaning that people leave our own center and heart-core, thereby losing contact with this true selves. Just how can we even meet another person, when there is no-one “at home” inside?
Alex Vartman explains that “the romantic dream is generally quite destructive and it is the feminine equal to pornography. They’re both superficial uses of potential loving sexual energy wasted in a tissue over a porn movie or sitting there reading romance novels, watching Disney movies or dreaming about somebody that you can’t have rather than dealing together with your current reality.” This current reality could be anything from staying in a boring, unfulfilling or even destructive relationship or feeling frustrated and alone, projecting your looking for love and intimacy on a fantasy image of a man you know you can’t have.
Many people fantasize already on a primary date about romantic trips to the Caribbean with this new person, or, what many women are out after-marriage and kids. “Could this handsome stranger be the perfect father for my children?” Trust in me ladies, men can feel this and the moment you return out that type of vibe, they will want nothing more but run and hide as fast as they can. You are diminishing your odds of ever seeing the guy again, not least observing him for who he really is. That will be a shame, wouldn’t it?
Once we can let go of that irrational idea that anyone outside ourselves can always make us happy or has the capacity to fulfill us, we become free to begin living. We let go of fear, pressure and tension and we allow ourselves to become whole. From that place of inner wholeness, we can manifest a connection that allows us to grow together, as independent, happy human beings. The enlightened master Byron Katie says: “When I let go of thinking that someone special has to fulfill me, I become free. Then, everyone fulfills me.” As we see although the conditioning, we can break it. We reclaim our power and personal freedom by detaching from the romantic dream and making space for a conscious relationship that could serve our mutual growth where we don’t watch for someone to fulfill us, but rather make an effort to serve one another into deeper love and greater openness, utilising the relationship to bring out the most effective in ourselves and the other.
Now exactly what do you do once you find yourself doing romantic dreaming on somebody? Whether you are in a current relationship or single, romantic dreams on others can always occur. They have related to attraction, projection and unmet longings. Here really are a few useful tips to help you pop out of the romantic dream. Applying them won’t only cause you to a freer, more independent being, it will also enable you to live a more fulfilled, happy and harmonious life.
1.) Be confessed. If you have somebody, and you are doing a romantic dream on another male or female, idealizing them by thinking they are somehow better than your present partner, you need to be honest about it. Nobody likes living with someone who’s not really that present with them. Your partner will feel it and it’ll just create sadness and separation. Instead, make an effort to go vulnerable and confess to your beloved what’s going on. In this manner, you’ll deepen the intimacy between one another and build trust. Let your partner listen empathically, without judging you. Stay open together, and the romantic dream won’t be able to survive in the light of day.
2.) Question it. Alone or together with your partner, then you’re able to inquire to the situation. A good question that Alex always introduces is “Do you consider that the other person can really help you more than your present partner can?” This brings about a reality check. Usually we couldn’t imagine living with that other person on a daily basis, and we become reminded of all goodness that people share within our current intimacy.
3.) Unfulfilled longings. Think about which needs or longings are met in you from daydreaming relating to this person. What can it give you to be using them? Often we project unmet childhood needs onto others. Really owning our longings could be so empowering. We reclaim our independence as we understand that what we are looking for is already present inside of ourselves. By allowing ourselves to remain with the longing, it will eventually be chock-full from the inside, effortlessly and easily. This calls for commitment though. Commitment to our own process, and our own wholeness. Sticking with an empty feeling or just being with the deep looking for love and connection can be quite painful. Once we can let it be there, containing it within our hearts rather than indulging in addictions such as for instance shopping or chocolate to fill the hole, we end up being the phoenix rising from the ashes. We become what we are most longing for.
4.) Let it go and be here now. This sounds like a clear move to make, but as it happens it is quite hard to put into practice. As human nature prescribes it, we want what feels good. When someone makes us feel great, we tend to cling on to them. They become addictive to our brains. This is the way your brain works. The trick is to comprehend that it’s not them that make us feel good. What we enjoy could be the feelings they talk about inside of us. Enjoy these feelings so long as they last, but try not to cling on to them. Allow them to pass through you, arising and fading away. Don’t build a tale around it in your mind. Stay present and open to whatever new experience life really wants to give you in each new moment.
5.) Be devoted. You could wonder, what does devotion and spirit have related to romantic dreaming? A whole lot, as I have learnt from my own experience through the years. My partner and I are surviving in an open/dynamic relationship, which at times permits intimate meetings with others. Not because out of ego-gratification, but because we feel that this will serve our mutual growth and benefit other beings as well as the depth of our relationship itself. I have noticed that the more I pray to serve others, the more interesting people I meet. Often, these meetings are really deep and heart-opening. Then, it may be easy for me personally to get into romantic dreaming with this person, and sometimes I fall into that trap for several days. I then believe it was them that created the deep experience, and I could put anyone on a pedestal, beginning to fantasize about them, that will be very typical behavior with the romantic dream. Then I must remind myself that it was the amount of trust, openness and surrender in the room that came from devotion which created those deep and heartfelt meetings. The very next time I meet that man he might not be as great at all, and there is no energy between us. Instead of having disappointed, we can then start to begin to see the variable. It’s not about them, it is spirit or God that created this beautiful experience. Instead of clinging on to the person or the experience, it is a good idea to thank the universe for these blessings, and then overlook it, praying to be properly used as an instrument again. Understanding this variable is essential, because whenever you do, you know that you could channel that same degree of love, openness and connection into your intimate relationship. With one of these factors made conscious, meetings with others can serve the primary relationship and don’t need to remove from it by misleading one partner into a romantic dream that takes him or her far from the beloved.
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